Recovery

September 2, 2013

It has been three months and thirteen days since the May 20^th tornado that hit Moore. Within the first two weeks after surviving something so close to death, I knew things were off and my life had probably been forever changed. The amount of guilt, anxiety and bad thoughts that had come into my life were really starting to take affect on everything.  I could feel myself going down a path that probably wasn’t the best.  I just kept telling myself that things were never going to go back to normal and that this was just the life I was going to have to adapt to. I always had the feeling of impending doom.  I just knew that something bad was just around the corner.  Everyday was a waiting game for another catastrophic event to hit me.  The thought was not that something bad was going to happen to me, I was terrified that bad things were going to happen to my family and the people that I really care about in my life. Knowing that I had zero control over any of that, made my anxiety skyrocket.

Two weeks after the tornado hit Moore Medical I went back to work in the ER at Norman Regional. Driving through Moore was difficult for me to do, seeing the demolished hospital each time I drove down the highway brought back bad feelings and even worse flashbacks. These flashbacks and feelings brought even more guilt and anger at myself. My second shift that I was supposed to go back to the ER to work I was really having a hard time. I sent a text to my mom earlier that day and told her that I just wasn’t feeling right; I think my text said I was feeling “weird”. Weird was the only word I could think of to describe the way I was feeling.  She called me and told me that I really needed to talk to someone about what I had gone through. Five minutes later I received a phone call from my dad telling me to go to work, tell my boss that I needed off and then to meet him for a critical incident debriefing with the psychologist provided by the highway patrol.  After meeting with the psychologist and telling “my story” once again, I felt a small amount of relief but things continued to not feel back to normal. At this point, I was convinced that nothing was going to help; I was done thinking that I was ever going to be back to my normal.  This way of thinking was starting to affect my personal life as well as my professional life.  My actions were portraying that of someone who was blaming herself for something that was completely uncontrollable and unavoidable.

As a result of not taking the appropriate amount of time to recoup and recover from the life-altering situation I had been through, it caused me to do and say things that were not characteristic of who I am as a person. 

As a recruit fire fighter I knew that I had high expectations of what I needed to accomplish during my first year rotations.  I wasn’t going to make excuses and I also wanted to keep a good reputation and make a good example of what kind of worker I was.  Being at the fire station and working out became an outlet for me to keep my mind off of what was going on in real life. This wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but avoiding the true problem was something that became easy for me to do.  I was never good at talking about my feelings before May 20^th and I wouldn’t consider myself to be any better at it now, but since then I have had to learn to vocally express what I am thinking. Luckily the fire department has some good role models and with the bonus of a good listener, I found someone that I could trust and easily talk to about these things that were going on with my life.

After a few weeks of good solid suggestions from the one I trust, I met with the Chaplain of the fire department to discuss meeting with another psychologist.  After my first appointment with this new psychologist I could already tell a difference in how I was feeling. I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and that was the best feeling ever.

“I did all that I could that day. There was nothing more I could have done.  It was much more than one person could handle. People were lucky I was there that day. I am awesome.”

This motto was something that I have been required to say and convince myself of for the past month and I can now proudly say that I truly believe every word of it.

Obviously with Moore Medical being my second job, I did not necessarily need to be at work on May 20^th, but it was a job that I enjoyed going to when I had the time. That simple fact has convinced me that God had His plan for me to be there all along.  I never had the fear of dying that day; I just wanted to help the people who needed someone to be there on a bad day.

Finding out from my mom, that there was a possibility of bad weather that day, a tornado hitting the hospital was never even a thought in my mind.  A tornado hitting the hospital wasn’t even a thought in my mind when they had everyone evacuate to the shelter area, since it had been done many times in the past. The moment that the nurse manager came and said “It’s coming” is when I realized just how serious the situation was and that I needed to keep my cool and just pray.

A little prayer goes a long way.  A F5 tornado hits the building I’m in and I walk out without a single scratch. I take that as a blessing.

JUNE 20, 2013  

ONE MONTH SINCE THE FOLLOWING:

On May 20, 2013 at 1500 hours, I was scheduled to work my second job as an ER tech at Moore Medical Center.  I arrived 30 minutes earlier than usual that day, in which I went across the street to 7-11 to purchase a drink.  After going to 7-11, I decided to sit in my truck and listen to music before going into the hospital.  I knew there was going to be inclement weather that evening and had received a text from my mom saying, "The storms are getting kinda scary".  I informed her that I had arrived at work early and would not be out driving in it.  After a few more texts she said she loved me and to let her know how work was going.  I then received a phone call from the unit secretary of the main desk in the ER.  She said that I needed to come inside because they were making everyone in the hospital go to the 'storm shelter' area of the hospital.  There were two patients in the ER and approximately 30 patients staying upstairs.  All patients, employees, and visitors in the hospital were required to move to the first floor in a centralized room of the hospital, this included the clinic area of the ER and the cafeteria.  I entered the ER doors, clocked in, and went to the area of shelter with everyone else.  As the storm approached the surrounding areas and the hospital you could hear the wind pick up.  The nurse manager of Moore Medical Center ran to the area where we were all gathered and told us to prepare because it was coming.  Most of the nurses and patients were sitting against walls with blankets wrapped around them.  I was making sure everyone had a blanket that wanted one.  As the moments came when the tornado got closer you could feel the pressure change in the building, my ears began to pop.  That is when I grabbed one of the nurses standing by me and brought her down with me under a near by table.  We held on to each other as you could feel a cold wind blow through the room.  Patients and nurses were crying as you could hear the roar of the tornado plowing over the building.  In a matter of about 30 seconds the damage was done.  The area where we were was filled with dust but no damage was visible.  I walked through the double doors and out into the hallway where there was debris lying everywhere.  Broken wooden doors, chairs, ceiling tiles, and glass covered the floor.  There were about 50 to 75 people located in the cafeteria, where there was much more damage than the clinic area, where I was located.  I ran to the cafeteria to see if there were any injuries, a teenage girl was laying on the floor crying in pain, that is when I ran to the destroyed ER with another tech to roll a gurney to the cafeteria.  We picked the girl up and put her on the bed.  I then went to the main entrance of the hospital, it was demolished with no way of exit.  I decided to go back to the ER in order to find a way to get outside.  I was able to make my way over the debris, around the crumpled ambulance and thru the entrance of the ER.  As I made my way outside I heard my name being yelled, my dad was running toward the hospital.  After a quick hug and cry he told me that I should grab some PPE and go across the street to see if I could help anyone that was trapped.  I ran to the demolished ambulance that was parked under the awning of the ambulance bay to grab some gloves.  At that time the two paramedics, who had taken cover in the hospital, were there getting what supplies they could from the ambulance.  The three of us headed over to the pile of rubble, that once was 7-11.  This is where we set up a triage for the injured.  Walking wounded were sent to the now empty parking lot of Moore Medical Center and the more seriously injured were transported from the parking lot of 7-11.  One worker of 7-11 was lying on the ground near the pile of rubble, he said there were 8 people in the store when the tornado hit.  Five people were accounted for immediately, that is when we started digging thru remenants of the store, twisted metal, and bricks.  One person we found was pronounced dead, she had agonal respirations and was bleeding profusely from her head.  We did not have triage tags so I covered her with a towel that was near by.  As we moved from patient to patient, more and more people showed up to help dig people from the rubble.  More serious patients were being brought from other near by buildings, as MidWest and EMSA ambulances began showing up to transport 3 patients at a time.  A man helped me carry a seriously injured 7-11 employee from the back of a pickup truck to an EMSA ambulance.  I could hear a high pressure gas leak near by and looked up long enough to see a house on fire in the distance.  I remember looking at the time on my phone and realizing that three hours had passed, when it felt like only thirty minutes.  Bystanders, medics, and other first responders dug through the pile of 7-11 rubble until the remaining 3 people were found, this included a mother and her 3 month old baby, who did not survive.  At this time I remember my dad told me that he was heading to I-35 to help the victims that were in their cars on the highway. I walked around Moore Medical Center and to the service road on I-35.  I found my dad's Highway Patrol SUV and waited there for him.  As I stood there waiting, I was amazed by the amount of fire departments, ambulances, law enforcement, and other first responders that were driving to the devastation to help.  When my dad got back to his SUV we drove to the Home Depot parking lot on 19th street, where fire departments and law enforcement staged and Incident Command was being set up.  From this point on I stayed with my dad while he set up points for road blocks and sent out rescue teams for the other demolished buildings, including Plaza Towers and Briarwood schools.   
Included are some pictures I took with my phone when I had the chance:

Main entrance to the hospital.

Ambulance entrance to the ER.

7-11 parking lot with smoke in the distance from a house fire. 

Moore Medical Center

Closer view of MMC.

My truck was found across a 5 lane street in a field with multiple other cars from the hospital parking lot. 

Lastly, I feel blessed that my coworkers and I were not injured. I do not feel that I did much that day, only what I could. I am grateful for the training I have received in order to keep a level head in this sort of situation. I was able to put the emotions aside and get to work, when the time counted.