September 2, 2013
It has been three months and thirteen days since the May 20th
tornado that hit Moore. Within the first two weeks after surviving something so
close to death, I knew things were off and my life had probably been forever
changed. The amount of guilt, anxiety and bad thoughts that had come into my
life were really starting to take affect on everything. I could feel myself going down a path
that probably wasn’t the best. I
just kept telling myself that things were never going to go back to normal and
that this was just the life I was going to have to adapt to. I always had the
feeling of impending doom. I just
knew that something bad was just around the corner. Everyday was a waiting game for another catastrophic event
to hit me. The thought was not
that something bad was going to happen to me, I was terrified that bad things
were going to happen to my family and the people that I really care about in my
life. Knowing that I had zero control over any of that, made my anxiety
skyrocket.
Two weeks after the tornado hit Moore Medical I went back to
work in the ER at Norman Regional. Driving through Moore was difficult for me
to do, seeing the demolished hospital each time I drove down the highway
brought back bad feelings and even worse flashbacks. These flashbacks and
feelings brought even more guilt and anger at myself. My second shift that I
was supposed to go back to the ER to work I was really having a hard time. I
sent a text to my mom earlier that day and told her that I just wasn’t feeling
right; I think my text said I was feeling “weird”. Weird was the only word I
could think of to describe the way I was feeling. She called me and told me that I really needed to talk to
someone about what I had gone through. Five minutes later I received a phone
call from my dad telling me to go to work, tell my boss that I needed off and
then to meet him for a critical incident debriefing with the psychologist
provided by the highway patrol.
After meeting with the psychologist and telling “my story” once again, I
felt a small amount of relief but things continued to not feel back to normal.
At this point, I was convinced that nothing was going to help; I was done
thinking that I was ever going to be back to my normal. This way of thinking was starting to
affect my personal life as well as my professional life. My actions were portraying that of
someone who was blaming herself for something that was completely
uncontrollable and unavoidable.
As a result of not taking the appropriate amount of time to
recoup and recover from the life-altering situation I had been through, it
caused me to do and say things that were not characteristic of who I am as a
person.
As a recruit fire fighter I knew that I had high
expectations of what I needed to accomplish during my first year
rotations. I wasn’t going to make
excuses and I also wanted to keep a good reputation and make a good example of
what kind of worker I was. Being
at the fire station and working out became an outlet for me to keep my mind off
of what was going on in real life. This wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but
avoiding the true problem was something that became easy for me to do. I was never good at talking about my
feelings before May 20th and I wouldn’t consider myself to be any
better at it now, but since then I have had to learn to vocally express what I
am thinking. Luckily the fire department has some good role models and with the
bonus of a good listener, I found someone that I could trust and easily talk to
about these things that were going on with my life.
After a few weeks of good solid suggestions from the one I
trust, I met with the Chaplain of the fire department to discuss meeting with
another psychologist. After my
first appointment with this new psychologist I could already tell a difference
in how I was feeling. I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel
and that was the best feeling ever.
“I did all that I could that day. There was nothing more I
could have done. It was much more
than one person could handle. People were lucky I was there that day. I am
awesome.”
This motto was something that I have been required to say
and convince myself of for the past month and I can now proudly say that I
truly believe every word of it.
Obviously with Moore Medical being my second job, I did not
necessarily need to be at work on May 20th, but it was a job that I
enjoyed going to when I had the time. That simple fact has convinced me that
God had His plan for me to be there all along. I never had the fear of dying that day; I just wanted to
help the people who needed someone to be there on a bad day.
Finding out from my mom, that there was a possibility of bad
weather that day, a tornado hitting the hospital was never even a thought in my
mind. A tornado hitting the hospital
wasn’t even a thought in my mind when they had everyone evacuate to the shelter
area, since it had been done many times in the past. The moment that the nurse
manager came and said “It’s coming” is when I realized just how serious the
situation was and that I needed to keep my cool and just pray.
A little prayer goes a long way. A F5 tornado hits the building I’m in and I walk out without
a single scratch. I take that as a blessing.
