Recovery

September 2, 2013

It has been three months and thirteen days since the May 20^th tornado that hit Moore. Within the first two weeks after surviving something so close to death, I knew things were off and my life had probably been forever changed. The amount of guilt, anxiety and bad thoughts that had come into my life were really starting to take affect on everything.  I could feel myself going down a path that probably wasn’t the best.  I just kept telling myself that things were never going to go back to normal and that this was just the life I was going to have to adapt to. I always had the feeling of impending doom.  I just knew that something bad was just around the corner.  Everyday was a waiting game for another catastrophic event to hit me.  The thought was not that something bad was going to happen to me, I was terrified that bad things were going to happen to my family and the people that I really care about in my life. Knowing that I had zero control over any of that, made my anxiety skyrocket.

Two weeks after the tornado hit Moore Medical I went back to work in the ER at Norman Regional. Driving through Moore was difficult for me to do, seeing the demolished hospital each time I drove down the highway brought back bad feelings and even worse flashbacks. These flashbacks and feelings brought even more guilt and anger at myself. My second shift that I was supposed to go back to the ER to work I was really having a hard time. I sent a text to my mom earlier that day and told her that I just wasn’t feeling right; I think my text said I was feeling “weird”. Weird was the only word I could think of to describe the way I was feeling.  She called me and told me that I really needed to talk to someone about what I had gone through. Five minutes later I received a phone call from my dad telling me to go to work, tell my boss that I needed off and then to meet him for a critical incident debriefing with the psychologist provided by the highway patrol.  After meeting with the psychologist and telling “my story” once again, I felt a small amount of relief but things continued to not feel back to normal. At this point, I was convinced that nothing was going to help; I was done thinking that I was ever going to be back to my normal.  This way of thinking was starting to affect my personal life as well as my professional life.  My actions were portraying that of someone who was blaming herself for something that was completely uncontrollable and unavoidable.

As a result of not taking the appropriate amount of time to recoup and recover from the life-altering situation I had been through, it caused me to do and say things that were not characteristic of who I am as a person. 

As a recruit fire fighter I knew that I had high expectations of what I needed to accomplish during my first year rotations.  I wasn’t going to make excuses and I also wanted to keep a good reputation and make a good example of what kind of worker I was.  Being at the fire station and working out became an outlet for me to keep my mind off of what was going on in real life. This wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but avoiding the true problem was something that became easy for me to do.  I was never good at talking about my feelings before May 20^th and I wouldn’t consider myself to be any better at it now, but since then I have had to learn to vocally express what I am thinking. Luckily the fire department has some good role models and with the bonus of a good listener, I found someone that I could trust and easily talk to about these things that were going on with my life.

After a few weeks of good solid suggestions from the one I trust, I met with the Chaplain of the fire department to discuss meeting with another psychologist.  After my first appointment with this new psychologist I could already tell a difference in how I was feeling. I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and that was the best feeling ever.

“I did all that I could that day. There was nothing more I could have done.  It was much more than one person could handle. People were lucky I was there that day. I am awesome.”

This motto was something that I have been required to say and convince myself of for the past month and I can now proudly say that I truly believe every word of it.

Obviously with Moore Medical being my second job, I did not necessarily need to be at work on May 20^th, but it was a job that I enjoyed going to when I had the time. That simple fact has convinced me that God had His plan for me to be there all along.  I never had the fear of dying that day; I just wanted to help the people who needed someone to be there on a bad day.

Finding out from my mom, that there was a possibility of bad weather that day, a tornado hitting the hospital was never even a thought in my mind.  A tornado hitting the hospital wasn’t even a thought in my mind when they had everyone evacuate to the shelter area, since it had been done many times in the past. The moment that the nurse manager came and said “It’s coming” is when I realized just how serious the situation was and that I needed to keep my cool and just pray.

A little prayer goes a long way.  A F5 tornado hits the building I’m in and I walk out without a single scratch. I take that as a blessing.